Seven years.
So many things have happened over the past 7 years.
I graduated University, passed the NCLEX and became a RN
Jenn & Jeff both got married
Nanny passed away
You have three grandchildren — Yes, three!
You missed a global pandemic (jealous)
Two of your nieces got married
Dad’s still annoying AF ;) …and probably reading this
I travelled… a lot!
There were lots of struggles, lots of happy times
Birthdays, holidays, ordinary plain days…
Seven years of them without my mama.
I’ve missed her so much.
I think of her so often these days and wonder if she’s proud of me. I always wanted to be just like her (but honestly who didn’t?). She loved a good dance party. She was an entrepreneur at heart. She had an idea for everything. She was so smart. So talented. Lit up every room she walked into. And I know this doesn’t matter, but she was so beautiful. Like really really pretty. Oh, and she was a master at bypassing any return policy. One time she returned something to Best Buy with a receipt from The Source. Don’t ask me how; middle school Sarah was so embarrassed at the time. But that was a total baller move. Trying to be like her is a tough feat though.. I feel like I fail on the daily.
As I approach this November 28th, I feel good, bad, grateful, deprived, strong, vulnerable, and a hundred other things. My memories, thoughts, beliefs, and assumptions about life and loss have gotten all mixed up.
I feel like a paradox of opposite emotions, which is confusing but fine. It’s fine. I’m fine, everything’s fine.
What sucks is that there are still so many things I wish I could ask her.
How did you do it all?
Will it all actually be ok? I sat beside you one night and put my head in your lap and you told me it would be ok. You didn’t mean that you wouldn’t die, because I think you knew by that point that you would. You meant that things would be ok even without you. It’s been seven years.. it still doesn’t feel “ok”, FYI
How did you fold a fitted sheet and make it look so easy?
Were you scared? Were you in pain?
Should I leave NS for good?
Can I get that $100 back that I lent you? Kidding
Did you ever really know what you were doing?
What should I do with my life?
Why has Dad turned the living room into an indoor putting green?
Want me to tell you what happened in Grey’s Anatomy?
How did you put up with all my crap over the years?
Will our family ever feel complete again? Will there always be a hole in our lives and a stone in my chest?
Who is your favourite child? Be honest…
These are just a few that have crossed my mind in the past months and years. What I am thankful for, is the many magical moments and nuggets of wisdom she did share with me in my short twenty years with her. Some of her famous quotes and sayings that live rent free in my mind are:
Never pop a pimple by your lip, it’s just not worth it
Always bring the jacket, even if you don’t wear it
Go read a book!
Don’t bring your phone to the table
“Sorry about that, chief”
It will all work out
Treat others how you’d like to be treated
Don’t go out with a wet head, you’ll catch cold
I don’t care what “everyone” is doing. I care what YOU are doing!
Don’t sit too close to the television, it’ll hurt your eyes
Nothing good ever happens after midnight
Life isn’t fair
Now, if your mother is still alive, is a good time to start asking questions that you would want to know the answers to. Write down the funny shit she says that you’ll want to remember years later. Take all the pictures and videos. Seriously — #12 is true; life isn’t fair. You never know when it will be too late.
Much love & until next year,