Comparison... the thief of joy
Buckle UP you guys. This blog post is a long one. Grab some popcorn & your reading glasses. I want to be real with you all. I'm going to talk about something i've been struggling with recently….
I keep comparing myself to myself. You're probably thinking: "huh?" Yeah, you heard it right.
Let me backtrack a little. While I ALSO compare my body to every fitspo on Instagram (what a time to be alive), I’ve gotten in the terrible habit & added stressor of constantly comparing myself to past versions of myself. How vain, right?
You've probably heard a coach or an inspirational speaker say the quote "its you vs. you". And it's true, we're our biggest champion, cheerleader and motivator. But we're also our biggest critic, doubter, and hater.
I think we can all agree that our bodies change as we age. While I already feel some eye rolls directed at me from ladies reading this who are 40+ and are thinking “she has no idea what she’s in for”, please keep reading...I realize I’m only 24 and haven’t had kids yet and haven’t experienced all the changes my body will go through in this lifetime. BUT, I do have a past self I compare myself to on. the. daily. Being a part of the "fitness industry" I have a gazillion pictures and videos of myself at my disposal. It's so easily accessible to go on Instagram and Youtube and scroll back to this time last year and literally compare every inch of my body to how it looks now. BUT, it is becoming SO toxic for my mental health. See how I said “becoming?” I'm not here to tell you I have all the answers or that I don't do this anymore. But I have been doing a lot of reflection on this topic and I want to share some of my thoughts & feelings.
Like I said, our bodies change as we age. We go through different phases physically, mentally, spiritually, HORMONALLY!!!… So WHY am I comparing myself to previous versions of myself? I said I was looking at my body from this time last year but I often also compare myself to my 18 year old body. Yes 18!!!! I look back at photos idolizing an 18 year old me… even a 22 year old me… and get really upset because I feel like I “let myself go” or think “how did I let myself get to this point?” *Cue spiral of negative self talk* i.e. "who am I to be posting my own workouts on Instagram when I don’t have an insane body, ripped muscles, or a 6 pack of abs?" "Who am I to have a voice in the fitness industry when I don’t have the body to prove it?" With each picture or video I scroll through, the negative voice inside my head gets stronger and stronger. I find myself looking down at my current body feeling less worthy. I hear this crazy voice in my head saying "alright time to clean up your diet" "maybe you should lay off all the carbs" "it wouldn't hurt to add some extra cardio to each workout"...
Comparing myself to a former me is actually a much much more dangerous comparison trap than one that comes from scrolling through _____ insert said "fitspo” feed on Instagram. Instead, I'm spending my time looking at pictures when I was “healthy & very fit” by our cultures standards. But thinking back, I was far from it on the inside.
I look back at my 18 year old body at prom and think “look at how tanned and fit I was”… or old dorm room party pictures of my 20 year old self... I sit back and envision feeling so much differently at this weight. Happy. Healthy. Vibrant. We always think we were in a really good place.
BUT we tend to forget the bad parts, like the fact that I was obsessed with going to the tanning beds in grade 12 and consumed so much liquor on prom night so I wouldn’t have to deal with my social anxiety. Or that I still felt fat in my size 0 dress and looked back at pictures and worried about my fupa (if you don’t know what a fupa is, thats for you to urban dictionary on your own time…).
I forget about my day to day routine in university: stressed the f*ck out and spending 3-4 hours a day on the elliptical “studying” for my nursing exams because I could “focus better there”…. Yeah keep telling yourself & everyone else that… (no body dysmorphia or orthorexia going on there)… My roommates LITERALLY nicknamed me “egg whites” because thats all I would eat. And I’m talking breakfast lunch and dinner.. and not even in a frying pan, straight up microwaved (mmmm yummy, right?).
But regardless of what age or stage of my life I was in, when I see old pictures my brain immediately wants that smaller body back. My brain quickly follows along with diet culture, "needing" to change my body and being unhappy with how I currently look.
While I realize that this wasn't that long ago and I'm sure even later in life my hindsight will be clearer, I have started to focus on a) what I can control and b) remembering what my life was truly like at this time and how I never want to go back to that place or those feelings.
At that time my thoughts were heavily consumed by food and exercise. I was anxious and critical of myself and others. My life basically revolved around what my next workout was going to be, how I was going to burn off whatever "bad" food I ate and counting every calorie I put in my mouth.
Sure I was really “skinny” (FYI I hate that word). But was I happier? More successful? My best self? What I realize now is that I’m idolizing an old version of myself that STILL had the same problems that I do now… yup, newsflash: I still struggle!!! It's not an overnight flip of the script.
But like I said, I'm focusing on the reality of those past versions of myself.
Here’s a good analogy to help you see my point: it’s like a bad relationship. When we’re lonely, we might think back to those times and miss all of the good parts, the companionship… you start to romanticize it, minimize the conflicts you two had, block out any drama or baggage. It just feels better to remember the nice stuff and black out the struggles.
Buuuuut, I'm learning to ask myself and digging deep on my why. Just like I ask my clients… Why do I want that past body shape? Why do I think that will change things? As I creep my Youtube channel and watch videos of myself on repeat and wanting my "old body" back, I have a light bulb moment... Last year, when editing these videos I used to CRINGE. I was so unhappy with my body and I thought I was "fat" THEN.. and here I am wishing I could rewind time.
I will NEVER be satisfied with my body because I'm looking at it from the wrong perspective. The extra 10 lbs, the shape of your stomach, or the size of your jeans are NEVER the real issue. Lack of confidence and clarity ALWAYS stems from INSIDE. How trivial is our appearance and weight loss when it comes to life as a whole? You’re sitting there WASTING your time despising your thick thighs, longing for a leaner tummy, and wishing your back fat would just disappear already. But the second you get there, where you THINK you want to be, you’ll realize you couldn’t be more miserable.
So I'm not going to sit here and lie and say I don’t still struggle every day with the urge to jump into old patterns to get my "ideal" body back, but I’ve come to realize that isn’t going to help anything. It’s time to embrace that, and not try to return to a version of myself from the past. We may look at pictures and long for our flat stomach again, or to fit into a certain outfit like we used to, but are we blind to the reality of what was required of us to get there? Are we forgetting what our body has accomplished since then? And are we forgetting the fullness of our current life?
In order for most women to reach a certain leanness, there is always some amount of restriction involved. Relationships with food become skewed. There are sacrifices that have to be made and the reality is that this ideal weight or size that we strive for is NOT where most of our bodies are designed to thrive. It’s typically below our bodies set point where we have happy hormones and an abundant life. I’m probably about 15-20 lbs heavier than on prom day. I’m still active AF, love working out and eating foods that nourish my body. I’ve also travelled, enjoyed plenty of ice cream dates with my niece, celebrated birthdays where I actually ate my own cake (shocker, eh?), and stayed up real late laughing and drinking wine with my besties without counting the calories consumed... And, unlike the numbers on a bathroom scale, the happiness those experiences have brought me is unquantifiable.
To be clear, I am not anti-weight loss. And I am not pro-weight gain. And I am. not. perfect. Let me reiterate: those thoughts I talked about earlier still creep into my brain.
But I am a big believer in rooting our confidence much deeper than our body. I'm striving to create the healthiest version of myself, stop fighting against the amazing body I've been given, and stop living in some fantasy world in denial of the changes we inevitably go through in life.
So to bring it all together, here are some things I am actively working on the daily to find peace with my body now, just the way it is.
1) Recognizing the root of my negative feelings and stopping them before they go too far. I keep questioning myself: Why? Why do I want that body back? Where are these thoughts coming from? If it’s the old pictures, the scrolling, I try to STOP myself in my tracks by turning off my phone and eliminating the trigger. Self awareness is crucial. I try and remember the good and the bad about my past. I try to remember the sacrifice and restriction that came with my “ideal” body. After I remember some of the bad, I take some time to notice all of the positives in my life now, and know that none of them came from being thinner or “fitter”.
2) Asking other people who know how to reassure my thoughts and feelings. No, I'm not talking about those #fakefriends who only tell you how great you look. I'm talking about the real ones who love you and can reassure you that a) yeah, you have gained some weight and your body composition has changed. But b) point out things you they love about you and make you realize that none of it has to do with the way you look. In turn, speaking kinder to myself. Words of affirmation really do help. Come up with a mantra every time you want to say something negative when you look in the mirror. My advice: don’t make it cheesy or fluffy or you’ll never believe it.
3) Remember that until you accept yourself, you’ll keep searching for happiness elsewhere. The only thing that matters is now, so make your now one that empowers, strengthens, and fills you with love.
4) ONE last thing I’ve been trying to incorporate: you have to give love to feel love. Smile at others. Give compliments. Express gratitude. You want more love? Then show it. Open your heart to the tiny miracles that happen daily around you with thanks. When we’re filled with love and gratitude, we make more loving and gracious choices for our bodies and for others and that’s the real food for a journey of self-love.
The last couple years I’ve gone through a lot of changes, mentally, physically and emotionally. But what I’m learning more and more is that our standard of health and different bars we set for ourselves should adjust throughout our life. I'm trying to find freedom in letting go of this imaginary bar or standard of health and fitness that I’ve held myself to for years and realize that my life is different now and better in so many ways.
It breaks my heart that so many amazing women are brutally hard on themselves (myself included). I really wish I had a quick and easy answer on how to change these thought patterns, but simply put.. I don't. If I did I would have saved myself countless hours of stressing and obsessing in my head and in front of the mirror.
What I can say however, is that if you're in a phase right now that you can't stop thinking about all the things you want to change about your body... I'm right there with ya sista. It can be so damn hard to get out of your head and accept yourself as you are. BUT if I were to give you one piece of advice it would be to find validity in other things. Fill your life with experiences and adventures that matter so much more than your body image, and remember: every minute you’re wasting comparing yourself is time taken away from living your best life!
I hope this helped at least one person & know that I am sending you lots of love - wherever you may be on your journey,
xx Sarah